This was meant to be.

I can't lie. At 31 I do feel a way about being single. But not in the way you may think. It's not about age, it's not feeling like my biological clock is ticking; although a few family members have made it a point to tell me I am running out of time. No offense, but when you're on Gods time there's no such thing as "running out of time" time legit moves a lot slower so you can get done the things you need to get done but that's not the point of this conversation.


When I moved back home in May I was emotionally unavailable and distraught even. I was sad. I was a hot ass mess of a wreck to put it bluntly. But it wasn't the lack of love I was getting it was the way I felt about myself. Unhappy with the amount of time that has passed by while I have only half way accomplished my dreams. I felt like a failure, a loser even. Despite everything I've done I was unsatisfied with me. And to be honest that's a constant theme with me. I've dated three men seriously and they've all said this to me at least once throughout the relationship. "You're never satisfied!"I see no lie there. Because its the truth. I really am never satisfied. Not with things, not with people, not even with myself.


I've made a lot of selfish choices throughout the years in order to propel myself towards the mission that's in my heart and along the way I met some amazing people. People that changed my life in ways I didn't even think was possible. People that brought out good and bad characteristics within myself. Hell, people who gave me some of the best sexual experiences of my life. People that essentially are versions of...me. People I've learned to be thankful for. People that have taught me that it's ok to be unsatisfied but it's not ok to constantly live there. Those people have helped me live in ways I desperately needed.


Even with that realization I should be grateful. And I am, I definitely am grateful for all those I've come across be it if they're in my life or not. But I'm still a bit lonely. Coming home and being around my family I remembered what it was like to have these types of family ties. Full love where people know you in a way that no one else will and who will accept you for exactly who you are when no one else will. I watch how in love my Mom is with her boyfriend and never do I feel jealousy but more so "I can't wait to feel what she's feeling" because that man will do anything for her. Or my cousin whom I've seen in two relationships that seemed to always leave her exhausted and now she's married to someone who literally would stop the world for her. I feel inspired more than anything. To hold out for that type of love.


But it gets hard. It's hard sometimes watching others be in love while you're still searching and wondering and then wondering and searching. Exhausting, truly. But my Spirit always seems to bring me back. Back to the bigger picture. "Don't settle because you're so close to what you want and deserve. Don't settle because you'll both be miserable making a puzzle piece fit that really doesn't go there. Don't settle because you owe it yourself to trust the steps you've taken towards the things you want. Don't settle. Trust me." So I ground myself and remember not to settle because that's the easy way out. When you take the easy way out you forget about all the details. And we all know details matter. Details are what make things great. Details are what make things memorable. Details, get you everything you want. Remember, you have to specific when seeking things from God, yourself and the Universe. I don't make the rules I just live by them.


So here I am at 31 telling you, I want the best of the best. I want that true love that reminds me of how we met in past lifetimes. The type of love that's so still and full when you aren't around I can still feel your presence. The type of love that is so aligned we can have a full on conversation with one another while being on the opposite sides of the room. I want the best love for me. A spiritual relationship where we understand the power of meditation and prayer together. Where we are so in sync with one another that there is no hesitation or thought when it comes to our emotions for ourselves and one another. Real biblical, soulmate type love. I want inspiring love. Yup, that's EXACTLY, what I want.


I thought I would be married by now. Have tons of children by now. I thought, a lot. And here I am with none of those things yet I am full of self love and the understanding of patience. It's not easy at all. It's rather lonely to be honest. There are days when I wish I could spend the day making love to my soulmate and instead I'm left doing the deed myself and rolling back over to sleep. But if I take myself out of the frame to really examine the picture I wouldn't have it another way. I may not have everything I want or who I want right now and its totally ok. To rush something that I want to feel so deeply and spiritually would be a disservice to myself and my Spirit. To have ended up with any of the people I've encountered along the way would have left me and them unsatisfied. So I have to be thankful for the obvious lesson. It was meant to be. It was meant to be the way it is at this very moment and for that I am grateful. For that I have found peace. And you can't put a price on that.


-KMJ




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