Expect Everything and Nothing
It's been two full weeks since Kohl passed and I can truly say I still feel as sad as the night it happened. How do you prepare yourself for death? We all know it's the only thing guaranteed in this life but how can you ever really prepare yourself for the loss of things and people you love? I was not ready. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact she died while I was holding her. I won't go into detail but it was gruesome. There wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it or comfort her and that's what really fucking sucks.
I've always been funny about death though. I'm either crying my heart out or I offer a soft condolence. I only know a few people that passed away that were close to me. One being my favorite Aunt growing up and the other my God Mother. Both were tragic and both had suffering endings. And now, Kohl. Also tragic. Each time felt unfair and each time it felt too soon. Kohl was only 5. Not sure what that translates to in goat years but she was too young. These were the few times I allowed myself to grieve and cry with the pain. I missed these people. I miss my pet goat.
Kohl and I had a bond. A real.Genuine.Bond. Every morning I have the same routine. I wake up, head to the living room, say good morning and then I look out the window to see where she's at. If the weather was good she'd be sitting at the bottom of the steps waiting for me to come out there and give her some fruit or veggies, whichever was available. If I woke up late she'd be grazing around the property and no matter where she was at if I yelled her name "KOHLLLLLLL" she'd come running to the front of the house. Just as happy to see me as I was her. It was probably the food but let me dream a little here. She came into my life exactly when I needed something to love. The best part was she taught me to love without expectations. But isn't that what our animals do? Teach us things through actions rather than verbal confirmations and promises we aren't fully sure we can keep.
See, if I'm being honest about myself I just do too much sometimes. I can be what people deem as too nice it seems fake. Or too eager that it turns people off. I'm awkward in many ways. And shit I've been gullible too although it pains me to admit it. It's put me in the position to be used by people. And I have been many times. And each time I was upset not with myself for not recognizing the obvious signs (because there are ALWAYS signs) and guarding myself better but with those who took everything I had to offer. Of course people will take a piece of gold if you're serving it up on a platter for free. Why wouldn't they? My expectations were simply too high. I'm not sure who can relate but I'm sure there's at least one that can. Kohl taught me something about myself that I couldn't comprehend through people.
I've always expected things from people in the same way I presented it to them. I cater too fucking much to people and their emotions only for them to not be reciprocated in the same way. When things didn't feel equal I may have mentioned it as opposed to acknowledging my gut and what was right in front of me and let them and the situation go. I may have held onto a friendship hoping for a better result instead of letting the friendship run its course and move on. So many moments, so many people, so many ways I wish I handled it and them differently. But what's the course of life if daily lessons weren't thrown in there for growth.
If you're going to love, you have to do it without expectations. That doesn't mean you need to allow yourself to be used or abused in any way. It simply means if you're going to do something for someone you have to understand they may never do the same for you. They may never love you on the same level. They may never go out of their way for you in the way you may have for them. Hell, they may not even defend your name the way you've done theirs and instead politic with those who speak ill of you. Expect nothing and everything at the same time. In short, read the room because I certainly didn't and it left me drained many times.
In life you can't rewind you can only move forward. Kohl helped me move forward in many ways. She was my daily dose of happiness and excitement. She was hilarious and unpredictable. Stubborn and loud. She was a version of me, lol. She really was. Maybe that's why the bond was strong. Maybe that's why I miss her so much. I watched a piece of me die right in front of my eyes. That's what it felt like anyway. But again, life has it's lessons. And I took many from my time with Kohl. I loved Kohl and expected her to be here always. My life felt so calm and abundant prior to her dying and that day it changed. Momentarily, but still it changed.
Life is about loving and losing constantly. In many ways and forms. You can't expect anything or anyone to always be here when you yourself can't even keep that promise. Sometimes we dig our heels in so deeply with death and the grieving process of losing people, things and relationships that we forget to come up for air. To remember the memories. The laughter and love shared. There will be people you get to walk the majority of this lifetime with. There will be people who will only be around for a short spell. Some people you'll lose through the permanence of death. Some people you'll lose through the death of a relationship that has simply run it's course. You have to learn to accept it and embrace it. And once you've done that you're able to grieve and heal. And from there you grow and move on.
I'm ready to move on and move forward. That girl meant a lot to me. She taught me so much in such a short amount of time and for that I am thankful. I can't spend forever grieving. Letting my work pile up from sadness. Letting my deadlines pass me by because life for a moment felt unfair. Yes it hurts. But to live here forever would be a welcome pass to death itself. I'm not done living, loving or learning. I have so much to achieve and she inspired a lot of it. I'm walking into this next phase without any expectations of people. I place all faith into God and the plan that's been laid out in front of me. I have no idea what's next but to expect the unexpected. They say miracles come from that thought. So bless me with a miracle, God. I promise I'll make the most and best use of it.
I love and miss you dearly. Rest In Peace Kohly Kohl. You meant the world to me❤️